l move home in two weeks. It's so surreal to think that I'm doing the Buffalo-Long Island round trip once more (tomorrow/today)....it's something I've done religiously for four years by every means possible. JetBlue, road trips with suitemates, by myself, with Dan, with my mom....how many thousands of miles going back and forth, connecting my home life with my new collegiate life. Now it's over. I guess I never had this moment at graduation, since I knew I'd still be taking classes. I know I have to take two classes online in the fall, but I'm having that moment of "holy crap it's all over" and I'm genuinely upset about this. The shlep back and forth was just as big of a part of my college experience as drinking and PJs and shows and classes. 

I just can't believe four years have flown by so quickly. I always felt (even then) that high school was such a long time, with the exception of my senior year. I feel like college was the exact opposite. It feels like it was only yesterday that I left home, squeezed in the back of the Expidition with all my belongings. Der brought out Jeri on her leash and I was trying so hard not to bawl my eyes out more than I already had when I waved goodbye to my home, my puppy, my sisters, my Babci, my life as I knew it. It was a gorgeous sunny day, warm but not too humid or hot. I was wearing my favorite broken in pair of Old Navy light wash jeans, a white Billabong shirt and flip flops. We got to Buffalo and I was cranky because I was hungry and scared so Mom and I drove around, lost as all hell, until we found Tom's on the corner of Bailey and Sheridan. I got french fries but couldn't eat them. Momma was tired too, but I think she knew how scared I was because she didn't snap at me like I was expecting; I knew she was holding it back. I had forgotten to pack something to wear and didn't feel like tearing the car apart the next day, so I rewore my clothes. I checked into the nerd and promptly got lost, wandering around in circles until I finally figured out that the layout of the building was set around circles. I found my suite, got set up...I was the first there so I chose my side of the bed, swapped out the mattress for the better one and made my new home. We watched Finding Nemo that night, all of us in the suite who were terrified. It was an awkward silence, since we didnt know each other. We were from all over the state...Rochester, Corning, Albany, Westchester, Bumblefuck Southern Tier and me, the token Long Island girl. That night was the only quiet night in that hallway for the next year. 

I drank and grew and became someone new that year. It was honestly the best year of my life. I left the nerd sad, knowing something great had come to a close, unfortunatley in a somewhat negative way. I RA-ed, an experience I wish I could do over so I could do it right, not trying to balance out stage managing and RA-ing and massive depression. I had a wonderful boyfriend who showed me that I was worthy of love. We finally got off of campus, moved into our little apartment on Lemon Tree Court. We settled into a new life together. Junior year came and went. I got sick, went home, we broke up. My mom and I went out to see family in the Mid-West last Fourth of July and it was there, sitting in a hotel in Sturgis, SD that faced I-90 that I called him and told him (quote) that "I fucking love you". We got back together, our relationship so much stronger for the shit that we put ourselves through. I started school last fall, feeling excited and scared for the inevitable moment of graduation. I found out that January that I was going to need another semester and would have to stay for another fall. It crushed me. Dan realized that I could graduate; I poured over my DARS report and he was right. I ran into my advisor's office in the beginning of April and we figured out that I could, in fact, graduate over the summer. I walked at graduation. 

Now I'm here, almost three months after that obscenely early day (btw, getting up at 7 when I went to bed at 4 = not awesome. I think I used a good half of my undereye concealer and that's not counting what my sisters used.) My belongings are boxed and bagged, awating a UHaul truck to bring them to the Island, taking that Buffalo drive of 290-90-690-81-380-80-GWB-Cross Bronx-Throgs Neck-Cross Island-Southern State one last time. I'll leave here forever. Sure, I'll probably return to Buffalo a few times in my life, because I'll miss Mighty Taco and Dan's parents live in Rochester and Daniel must see his Bills play. But my life in Buffalo is over. People may shit on Buffalo for alot ot things (the weather, the shit state of the economy up here.....seriously, the weather) but this town gave me so much. I left home a child and am returning as something that resmbles a woman, an adult. I could never repay Buffalo and UB and PJs and those lovely people I grew to love and miss terribly for that. 

I carry the best year in my heart. Someone made a reference to "Dear Penis" the other day and I laughed and tried not to cry at the same time. Even now, iTunes is playing for me "Fuck Her Gently", a song that was sang waaaaaaay too much those days. I cant watch the OC without thinking of our weekly ritual of eating dinner in our PJs, showering, getting ready and pregaming to the latest antics of a bunch of fictional rich kids. I can't think of Gelato without thinking of my last show, the headaches and revelations that came from that show. I look at my pictures of my trip to Florida in between the semesters Junior year. I look at graduation pictures to remind myself of the whole thing....that I'll step foot on campus for the last time in two weeks. 

I'm gonna miss this place.

 I had this whole long post, telling my former little sister off. But I guess I can sum it up as such:

-Look up what class, humility, maturity and (especially) integrity mean. Then apply it to your life.

-You're right, I am transparent. You know exactly what I feel, when I feel it. I don't hide shit from anyone anymore. Maybe it's my maturity, maybe it's me growing up, maybe it's me become a little bit of an adult. But I've come to realize that life's too short for bullshit games, especially the ones of your variety. Oh, and in case you haven't noticed, I really have no problem calling you out on your bullshit anymore. Get used to it.

-It's also good to know that I'm a fat, ugly cunt. Let's deconstruct this statement. Yes, I have a cunt, last time I checked. I may not be supermodel gorgeous, but I'm not ugly, that much I know. And I might be chubby (my love of junk food > desire to work out) but fat I am not. While I'm on the subject, I know that I have way more internal beauty than you could ever dream of having or delude yourself into thinking you have. 

-Don't you dare insult the people in my home. For the longest time, they have bent over backwards to keep you happy (which is a good part of the problem), especially Mom, whom you have absolutely no respect for. (You should really look up that word too.) Oh, and did you forget about Babci, who also lives in my home? Way to insult your grandmother. 

-I really don't know where you get off speaking for everyone in that home; if they have a problem with me, they know my phone number so they can call me and tell me themselves. We're all adults here so we can handle things like adults.

-Oh and the subject of me being manipulative. I really shouldn't dignify this bullshit claim with a response, but being manipulative is one thing I am not. Not for one second in my 21 and a half years on this Earth (that's 678,473,909 seconds, in case you were wondering) have I ever, ever thought of manipulating anyone for anything. It's called integrity, something I wish to God you'd get. 

-The world does not revolve around you. It never has and never will. So please, stop acting like it does. 

-This is the straw that broke the camel's back. I no longer want you to be a part of my life, which absolutely kills me to say (but I'm shit sure that you could careless). I want you to be involved, I want you at my wedding, standing with my three sisters, I want us to be friends again like we were before I left for school four years ago. (And btw, get over it. I left. I don't know why you still hate me for it. I did what I needed to do and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I never abandoned you, ever. I had pictures all over the place and wished that you were up here with me, having a good time with me. If it were the other way around, I'd be upset too, but I like to think I'd temper that negativity with knowing that you would be having a good time and learning and growing.)

-If and when you ever grow up and realize you need to work with a professional to modify your destrictive behavior, please, let me know. I'll still be the first person to support you, because I'm still your older sister, even if I no longer want you in my life. You'll probably take advantage of that, like you always have, but just in case you're actually sincere, I'll be there. That's how family works. Learn that lesson too. (As in, it's good for more than taking advantage of everyone. You actually support your family, regardless. You have their backs without any desire of being compensated because your reward is knowing that they have your back, anytime. You give them your shoulder in bad times and laugh with them in good times. You are friends and love and laugh and have corny ass inside jokes with one another. Especially our family.)

-Oh, and feel free to spew whatever shit you want to. The people whom I want in my life know the truth and you just look like the ass that you always look like. 

-Once again, I hope you can find peace in your life and that one day we can resume our relationship. I hope you see the error in your ways. I hope nothing bad happens to you because of the way you choose to lead your life. But I hope you know enough to not coming running to me if anything bad does happen without doing a complete 180 in your behavior.

-i'm engaged again.
-wedding sometime 6/26/10....but that's seriously up for discussion
-i want to get married at the foundry in long island city but there's no way in hell i'm gonna be able to afford it
-we're officially (and finally) getting out of buffalo sometime in the vicinity of august 8th
-i'm a little sad (because i've had the time of my life up here and will miss it greatly....and i'll miss mighty taco like you'll never know) but it's about time. i miss my island, my puppy, my fam, my friends and the beach at night. and bagels and pizza that don't taste like shit.
-lo and behold, i can't graduate in september because i didn't have the money to pay new paltz for the class i needed to graduate. so i have to find an upper level theatre class somewhere at home/online that i can afford/works with my schedule.
-i need to start packing
-and start studying for the lsat/gre
-and find a job at home
-i have a job (finally!) at this place literally across the street from me. by the end of the summer, i'll probably have spoken to every receptionist in western new york.
-my nephew is flippin huge. he's not allowed to grow anymore.
-overall, my life's pretty good.

I can't begin to tell you how fucking furious I am right now. I've hit that point.....normally, nothing really gets me too riled up, but once I reach that (high) boiling point, all hell breaks loose. This is beyond all hell. I don't understand how you're "entitled" to anything more than a smack to hopefully give you some sense, because you clearly lost all of it. Not to mention gratitude, respect for your family, humility, a sense of what's right (and wrong) and your fucking mind. I've tried to defend you, think that maybe you were turning around and starting to act like the adult you claim to be. Instead, you're just as money hungry and narcissistic as I've tried to pretend you weren't.

You need help, therapy....something. You need to remember that once all your precious friends are gone and you get fat and old, all you have left is your family. But here's the kicker, you probably won't have us. I never wanted to have the family member that no one talked to for twenty years; I always thought that you were better than that and that blood was thicker than water and you'd get over yourself and we'd be fine. Clearly not.

If you even try to go through with this (and oh, btw, no lawyer who's worth the paper their bar card's printed on is going to take this because you have no fucking ground to stand on), I will have no problem cutting you out of my life. I do not tolerate other people disrespecting my family, but I especially refuse to tolerate or condone my family disrespecting one another internally. And you've sunk so low (lower than that scum bag responsible for half of our DNA, you know, the one you've come to romanticize as "Daddy"....yeah, you should thank your lucky fucking stars that you can't remember what I do, because it's fucked up, to put it bluntly. Even now, as fucking furious as I am with you, I'm eternally grateful that you and Der can't remember it, that I'm the last one who can. See that, that's family protecting one another, that's a sister looking out for the others, THAT'S WHAT FAMILY DOES) that you're pretty much tied for lowest, with your beloved "Daddy".

Why don't you go ask him for your "child support"? You're going to be 20 years old next week....you left home at 19. You don't get anything. I didn't get anything and I have pride in knowing that I put myself though school, that the $45,000 I have in student loans paid for my degree, that I work my ass off in meaningless jobs to pay for my rent and food and bills. I didn't threaten my own mother with a lawsuit to get money....Here's a news flash, she cut you off because you're being the nastiest cunt that I've ever seen. If we weren't related, I would have cut you out of my life two years ago without thinking twice. But no, you're my little sister, so I tried to find the good in you. Tried to believe that you would grow out of this shit and starting acting your age and not your shoe size.

It kills me to have to think that I'm really going to have to cut you out of my life. Because regardless, you'll always be my little sister. I'll always have a responsibility to you to be there when you need me, protect you as best I can. But I can't protect you from your own bullshit. I can't stop you from fucking your shit up beyond repair, burning bridges that I don't think you'll ever be able to completely rebuild. I can't deal with your shit anymore. This is beyond drama, this is as fucked up shit as I've ever seen you pull. I'm not so sure how you look in the mirror every morning and feel good about what you've done and are doing now. Because I'm embarrassed and ashamed for you. Does it get you alot of attention with your friends? Make you feel "cool" because you don't get along with your family? Make them feel bad for you because you have such a bad life, because we both know that you spin shit left right and center. I really hope it's worth it. I hope you get yourself therapy, because you really, really need it. I hope you eventually find peace in your life, because I don't want to be a part of it until you do.

i know i'll delete this in a few hours when i'm over being kinebriated

but i wonder if you're doing okay and myspace stalking isn't answering the question.

so, as pretty much everyone knows, i am going to graduate. basically, my advisor was wrong (or idk, maybe i didn't hear her) and i don't need to stay for another semester, just summer classes. if things hadn't gotten so messed up in january, i would have only needed two summer classes, but because of it, i need four, which does kinda suck. so i'm taking math and roots of english (my wavier class bc i dropped italian bc i was failing it) at ub in first session (holy crap that's alot in six weeks) and taking two theatre classes online, one from new paltz and one from oswego. i'm really not sure how i'm paying for all of this, but it's all good, because i get to walk in graduation (even if my name wont be in the program) and move on with my life.

i was okay with not going to graduation, but now that i am, i might be a little too excited about it. i mean, graduation is like the period at the end of a sentence-sure, you can not have one, but everyone does it and it's not right. it's all kosh now, so i just need to find a dress i can afford (because this is the most important thing, clearly) and find someplace for 8 of us to go for dinner afterwords (me, dan, mommy, babci, court, der and dan's parents and maybe my grandma penny, but tbh, i dont think she's gonna drive 2000 miles out here when she can just watch it online)

im losing out on my minor (and my open bar date with my life partner) but it's good. i'm happy. can't understand where time's gone, but im happy. i didn't get my job back at payless (lo and behold, the person i was to replace isn't quitting after all) but its okay, i really didnt want it back in the first place. i am going to work at the bookstore for a little while, since my fabulous sandy (one of the ladies i worked with at payless) is working there now and got me a job! it's only temporary, but it's something. idk, i'll figure it all out.

I have insomnia again. It's really not making the seizure monster happy. I haven't seized since the beginning of the month (my first since late last summer, but it pissed me off something fierce) but it's all the pre-seizure, feeling the medicine working obnoxiousness. I guess the exahustion (but not at night), cognitive difficulties (like thinking so slow its made me want to cry, failing Italian and forgetting how to write/spell) and completely blanking out on words in the middle of a sentence is kinda worth it. Kinda. I wish that I could just stop taking it and get my mind back to where it was because I feel flat out stupid. Ive never been the prettiest or the most talented or popular, but I've always had my intelligence. At least I used to. My new neurologist is switching my meds to Lamictal, which might help my brain return back to normal, to a degree. All anti-convulsants have stupidity as a side effect (they slow down the brain enough to prevent seizures, so it's kinda inevitable) Idk, I hate switching meds (because it always sucks for a few weeks while the body gets used to it and there's always the risk for my body rejecting it all together) but if it helps, it's worth it.

I did lose my job because of it. All four managers that have/do work at Aeire knew about my seizures. I told them so that if something happened, especially if i had a generalized (aka the roll on the floor, unconscious kind that everyone thinks of first), they wouldn't freak out and call an ambulance (because i would RMA that shit so fast, RMA = sign a form and not go to the hospital). Everyone was okay with it, for the most part. I tell the new manager and she was so fucking rude, I almost hit her. I tell her "It's not really a big deal, nothing for you to worry about. I just want to let you know just in case anything happens." She didn't even have the common courtesy to look me in the eye during this conversation, btw. She then turns to me and goes "Well, it IS a big deal." Um, no, its not. I'm generally well controlled. It's a part of my life, but it's not my whole life. Shit happens. Get over it. I then went home for spring break, two weeks ago. I haven't worked since.....oh, because i didn't call to get my hours until Tuesday, so i wasn't schedualed. Such bullshit. They're gonna say that I get to work late (oh idk, because I live 10 miles away and have to take the main highway to get there, especially during rush hour) and that's why I'm being let go. Bull-fucking-shit. There are girls who are later than I am and come to work and stand there with their thumbs up their asses and still have hours. I might be late, but when I work, I work a hell of a lot harder than the pittance you pay me. I was thinking about quitting anyway (because I couldn't take the immaturity and the store's probably gonna close by the fall) but this really inflames me. Idk, maybe this did happen when I was younger and my mom tried to shelter me from it because this is the first time in my life I've ever had to deal with something like this.

I didn't want to be the asshole who just decides to not show up (and screw other employees over in the process, which I do feel bad about) but I was (and still am) so infurated by the blatant discrimination (oh, and violation of the Americans with Diabilites Act, amongst other state and federal laws and company policy). I work hard. I put up with alot of bullshit. I wasted a shitload of gas. I covered when it was needed, bent over backwards, missed Thanksgiving with my family. I worked through alot of pre-seizure and simple partial seizures because I knew there was no one to cover for me and didn't want to screw anyone else over. And to be all but fired after the new manager's first day (aka my last) because my brain gets a little too excited. I guess it's a life lesson that I was due to learn eventually, but it's still fucking ridiculous. And there's nothing I can do about it. Sure, I can watch where I spend my money (and trust me, it's gonna be a long time, if ever, before I give American Eagle one dollar of my money) but how is that really going to affect them? It just leaves me frustrated, embarassed, angry and annoyed.

Everything does have a way of working out bc the day I decided to be a no call/no show, I got a text message from someone I used to work with at Payless, who told me that they need people ASAP, so I spoke with my old manager (who, btw, is absolutely wonderful when it comes to my seizures) and basically have my old job back. It's good, because I can jump right in, but I also left there for a reason. But I need money, so I have to do what I have to do. It just fucking sucks.

Maybe now I'll think twice before I disclose my personal information with a future employer. An ambulance wouldn't have been nearly as bad as this shit. The irony is, by disclosing my condition, I was trying to save myself from future embarassment. Knowing how gossipy it was, I can only imagine how the things that I said in confidence to my managers is prob gonna be spread around. I know it was weird when I'd be talking to someone in the midst of a simple partial and couldnt finish a sentence or had weird mannerisms. I was more embarassed than you can imagine. But I got through it and lived and worked hard, even while loaded up on Ativan to knock out any future seizures. It's just a shame that my contributions were overlooked because the new manager (aka the DM's pet, girl who spends waaaaaaaaaaaay too much time in a tanning booth bc she has leather skin, still missing h.s. because she was like, omg, the popular one even though she's probably 25) couldn't get the fuck over it. She didnt know me or the quality of my work. I guess that's their loss.

fuck you ub and the theatre department. because now i can't graduate in the spring.

hopefully i can finish up over the summer (and you know my mom is making me walk in may, regardless) but still, this is fucking bullshit.

while i'm at it, fuck you last spring and my fucking epilepsy that made me lose all 15 credits i was taking which is royally fucking me over now.

before i get into this survey stolen from alyson, can i just stop for a minute because holy crap, how is it 2008? seriously, this year went by so unbelivably fast and i'm not at all cool with it.


1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
haha nothing. really. (okay, break up with my long term boyfriend and then get back together? but that's kinda crappy, so we won't talk about it)

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i always make the same ones. and i stop caring jan. 3rd.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
not this year.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
am-BUH the cat. she counts.

5. What countries did you visit?
cananda?

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007
money. seriously. a real job, not just crappy retail to pay the bills. my diploma. my life back on long island.

7. What date(s) from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
the months of march and april (well, what i can remember of them), because it fucking sucked balls. seriously. going out west with mommy in july.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
getting healthy again. somehow becoming more grown up (even though i don't quite know when that happened)

9. What was your biggest failure?
being shitty with money. idk, this year was a wash for so long.

10. Did you suffer any illness or injury?
haha. you're kidding, right? i started seizing again march 7th and didn't really stop until the end of may. went to the er twice, admitted to LIJ once and almost one more time. thankfully, i'm under control (even on those days when im shitty about my medicine.)

11. What was the best thing you bought?
it was bought for me, but my iphone is pretty fucking sweet. i did get a new-ish car, but idk, it's being a pain in the ass. (seriously, not having heat does not work in buffalo)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
pretty much everyone in my life for being so amazingly supportive when i was sick. it really, really touched me in ways i'll never share because it's amazing to know you have such good people to support you when you need it the most. god forbid anything were to ever happen to anyone, you know i've got you're back (even if we haven't spoken in forever) because i know how much it's truly needed and appreciated.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
the douchebag who hit my sister's car two weeks ago. honestly, it's more like "if i ever find out who you are, i'm seriously going to fucking kick your ass" instead of "appalled and depressed". one of my siblings, for being unbelievably self-centered, immature and greedy. i was hoping that things were starting to get better, but apparently, i was wrong.

14. Where did most of your money go?
rent. clothes/shoes from work (omg especially now)

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
getting better, being able to drive again, going back to school (the little things that i normally bitch about)

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
that sean kingston song from the summer....i seriously loved that song over the summer

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
I. happier or sadder? happier, much happier
ii. Thinner or fatter? prob a little heavier, i've been awful about going to the gym
iii. Richer or poorer? prob about the same aka dirt ass poor


18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
actually using my gym membership, going out

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
eating, shopping

20. How did you spend Christmas?
at the house. court and i were up redonk late wrapping presents, got up two hours later to go to my sister's house for christmas morning, back to bed for a while, ate christmas dinner. we were going to go out after, but we were all too tired.

22. Did you fall in love in 2007?
back in love, yes.

23. How many one-night stands?
haha none.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
trashy reality. obvi, american idol (omg so soon!). grey's/ugly betty.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
i really don't like to use hate because it's the strongest word. but there are def some people in my life that i'm really not that fond of anymore.

26. What was the best book you read?
idk.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
idk if i had any. all the pop-rap my sister makes me listen to haha.

28. What did you want and get?
my health and life back. everyone bitches about having to go to work or school or pay for gas or whatever, but let me tell you, it fucking blows to have it all ripped away from you because your brain can't handle playing nicely. i couldn't go to school or work or even drive myself anywhere; i was completely dependant on everyone around me and that's fucking awful. balls, i couldn't take a long shower without people (appropriatley) wondering if i was okay. so to be able to go to work again, drive where ever i want, go to class, be by myself for a while....it's seriously something i try not to take for granted, because i know it could be gone again without any notice. i know that sounds dramatic, but it also reminds me to be good about my health, to take my medicine and sleep well and eat as decently as possible.

29. What did you want and not get?
a brand new car?

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
even though i still haven't seen it, alvin and the chipmunks.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i had the crappiest 21st birthday ever. seriously, i always imagined this amazing, bar hopping drunk fest.....and in actuality, i wrote papers. lame.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
not getting sick.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
jan-early march: hoodies/scarfs/holy shit it's cold
march-early may: pjs, no bra, scrubby to the max
may-now: whatever the fuck i want to wear, prob comes from aerie/american eagle, comfy.

34. What kept you sane?
my fam (only someitmes), my friends, the jeri dog.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
idk, i love celebrity gossip, but i wasn't crazy about anyone in particular. (even though i kinda have this little crush on tom brady)

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
which one didn't? i think this country is on a shit-ass path and something seriously needs to be done about it.

37. Who did you miss?
ambuh. everyone i didn't get to see.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
idk everyone's pretty awesome.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
everything works out in the end and nothing's insurmountable. things will get better and life will return to normal. and if it dosen't kill you, it only makes you stronger.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
what kind of fuckery is this?

i'm going to be home in less than a week (late sunday night for anyone that cares) and i'm estatic. i have to be honest about the homesickness that's been plaguing me up my ass all semester; it's kinda ridic that i was homesick for (literally) three hours freshman year but i feel it everyday now. we're 80-95% sure (depending on the day) that we're moving back home after graduation, prob living with my mom. honestly, that's not my idea of fun (for as much as i love my fam, idk, i thought i'd never live at home again) but if it's a choice between going home (literally) and having to move somewhere else to have our own place, then whatevs. getting a big enough apt with the (lack of) money we'll have isn't gonna work; we might be able to swing a studio but idk, that's not enough room for both of us.

idk, i always thought i'd be the person to move to the otherside of the country; seriously, not six months ago i was all set to go to portland (oregon, not maine) but i can't do it anymore. spending all that time at home this summer really reminded me how much i need to be with my fam and friends; i'm not ready to give that all up yet. idk, we have a little more time to figure this all out, but not that much since we're both (especially me) are gonna have to apply for jobs and such soon. i'd really rather live on my own or share an apt with people, but if we have to move in with the fam, whatevs.

(btw, i am especially thankful for having such an amazing boyfriend who understands my redonk need for the long island and is willing to move here. bc honestly, what other reason do you have to move to the li? unless you like traffic and crazy expensive life, i cant think of any reason to come here haha)

anwyays, the semester is gloriously finished, which seriously thrills and terrfies me at the same time. the thought of graduating in not that many (academic) weeks is kinda crazy. the new job is okay....lots of free clothes and discounts galore, but i was basically lied to at my interview. i told them i needed 25-30 hrs a week (so, you know, i can pay my rent) but no one ever told me that it's company policy to keep all partimers at 20 hrs (and to not really promote from within/move part timers to full time) which i find kinda dick. it's a good working enviornment, so i think i'm going to try to find a second job after the new year so i can pay my bills and maybe (just maybe) actually save money.

and btw, jamie lynn spears (aka britney spears' 16 y.o. little sister) pregnant? wtf? i though my fam had no class, but seriously, my mom = 0/5 fucked up babies. mama spears=2/2.

last night, around 4am, my sister courtney was driving with one of her friends on the wantagh when they were hit by an (assumedly) drunk driver. court had (emphasis on had) a jeep wrangler, which is not known for its saftey. she flipped the car, so it's totaled. the fine citizen who hit my sister then sped off and for all he knew, she could have very well been dead. thankfully, a person saw the accident, pulled over, call 911 and stayed with my sister until the ambulance arrived. she has a concussion, broken ribs, burst aveoli, many nasty bumps and brusies and a dislocated ankle, so she is quite morphine-d up at NUMC. her friend has a concussion and bumps and brusies and is also a guest of the medical center. Court's probably going to be there for a few days, danielle should go home tomorrow.

so, if anyone knows anything about a driver (probably drunk) getting into an accident on the wantagh last night, please let the police know. i dont think anyone does, but it can't hurt to put it out there since we have no way of knowing who did this, except that it was a male and probably a teenager (but because of the concussions, neither one of them are too sure.) this asshole sped off into the night instead of being an adult and facing the consequence of driving like an asshole/being a human being and making sure everyone was okay. thankfully, court will be okay, she's banged up but it could have been so much worse. she was wearing her seat belt, which absolutely saved her life. she'll be home in a few days, where she'll prob be just as dramatic as usual (j/k court you know i love you, eh)

it's 4:07 am.

i am still up doing school work. i will spend tomorrow (before/after work), sunday (aka my 21st birthday) and monday (aka the day its all due/the day im going out to celebrate said birthday) finishing these two fucking papers.

i really hate school right now and can not wait to graduate.

(but if anyone wants to do a paper for me, i will love you until the end of time. seriously.)

OH! and more importantly, i will be on the gloriously long island that is, well, long island, december 23-28th and again sometime during the first two weeks of january. i need to see people, as i miss you all terribly.

wow, i guess all those seizures completely wiped my brain clean of any idea on how to write a paper.

seriously, a four page paper should not be taking this long...because it was due on friday (aka the first time in my life that i have ever handed a paper/project in late)

dear ub,

for the $700 a semester i pay in technology fees, your wireless should not suck so badly that i can't get to the databases i need to write this stupid fucking paper.

no love,
me

p.s. when will i ever learn that procrastination (and not reading the assignment correctly) only results in me staying in the library till all hours of the night and staying up until all hours of the morning (knowing that i'm not allowed to pull all-nighters anymore)


p.s.2-why must my professors assign a butt load of work in the same week? (thankfully i dropped two classes early in the semester, otherwise i would of had two tests to add to this massive paper and scenic project)

p.s.3-why must my women's studies professor be so incompetent? i was so looking forward to this class (on women in prison), but yet, i would have been better off buying the textbook and reading it myself, since her idea of teaching is making us read out of the textbook for three hours like we're in elementary school. she literally doesn't teach us anything else and didn't bother to tell us what was on the test on monday. i can not wait for the course reviews at the end of the semester (and to get my grade, so i can go bitch out the chair of the department for this shit)

We all know what today is. Personally, I hate today. However, I am shocked because it seems as if the rest of the country is failing to pause and notice. Go back and watch the video and remind yourself. I know everyone from our area probably doesn't need to; most of us are intimatley connected to today in ways we wish we weren't. For some reason, I'm torturing myself and watching MSNBC's actual coverage from 9/11 and all I'm doing is reliving everything from six years ago; I wouldn't wish the overwhelming fear for my parents and sister on my worse enemy.

I only hope that as time progresses the world can find a way to work together and prevent this, that this country can undo our great mistake in Iraq so that we, as a global community, never have to live through this again. I know it's a pipe dream, but it would be nice. I hope one day my nephew will be able to live in a world where terrorism isn't his primary worry, where maybe he can forget about it and leave that to the government (even though that didn't work too well last time.) I also pray (harder than I ever,ever have) that the health of all those who served at Ground Zero, from the Paramedic/EMT to the Iron Worker, will be good, that I won't have to bury my mom early due to all the crap she was inhaling for weeks upon months.

Tomorrow will a better day.

omg i got an iphone.
its flippin awesome.

so i'm back at school....fabulous. kinda. classes actually start monday and i'm taking a good mix of classes (actually including a theatre class and a shakespeare class), my fav (so far) being a class on incarcerated women. it should be good, but i've learned (like we all have) to never get too too excited about a class before you get the syllabus.

i bought a new(ish) car! it's der's boyfriend's old car and it's kinda a hunk of junk but nothing like my poor old POS bob. it does run (and goes really fast!) so i shouldn't bitch. i need to name it....it's a 2001 hyundai elantra in white, so i'm thinking creampuff. the best name for a white car was taken by my other sister's bf...he called his tidy whitey. that would have been sweet but oh wells.


it's really good to be back at life again. i went back to work the other day and it was like nothing had changed (aside from my numbers to log onto the register)...i just kinda started back where i had left it all, but it was def surreal. this whole five month long ordeal has been alot to process. although epilepsy is something i've had for most of my life, this time it came back with a vengance and hit me hard, both physically and emotionally. i think it's interesting how i never really understood how badly this hurt emotionally until my life starting falling back together again. but thankfully, i'm well under control...i take enough medicine to choke a horse (literally...i'm pretty much at the max daily dose) and i'll probably choke a bitch if something happens.

however, in the silver lining, i've been able to really reevaluate my life and where i stand, what i want and what's important. and it's all good. i'm in shock that it's senior year and there are only 80 school days this semester (yes, i'm counting) and another semester after that and i'm done (at least until law school). now i need to figure out what i'm doing after graduation, but i think i can procrastinate on that for a little bit. oh, and the lsats. lovely.

p.s. i got a ballys membership. this may or may not have been a good idea, because let me tell you, i'm flippin sore.

tonight is my baby sister's prom.
holy god do i feel old.