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I haven't been in here in so long

But i need to tell my story. The one that started in June of last year. I woke up one morning and it hit me like a ton of bricks. "I'm pregnant." It was 10 days before my period was due so Dan brushed me off a little. ("It's just your stomach [I have irritable bowel and ulcerative colitis] acting up. Your boobs look the same.") But I knew. I got myself knocked up.

tw: pregnancy lossCollapse )trigger warning: pregnancy loss, frank talk of the physical aspectCollapse )

“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)I am never without it"
-e.e. cummings

Writer's Block: Do you remember?

What is your earliest memory?

Watching the video to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the FIre"...seriously.

Long time, no see. Short version of the past two years:

-Moved home to get a grown-up job but ended up back in retail.
-Work in retail, take care of my family
-Figured out what I want to do with my life (social work)
-Blew my knee out, ignored it for a year, had surgery four months ago and still can't go back to said retail job
-Moving back to Buffalo by the end of next month to finally finish my degree and go to grad school
-Bought a wedding dress but have no other plans 

hell yes!

stickaround nostaliga won't let you down

l move home in two weeks. It's so surreal to think that I'm doing the Buffalo-Long Island round trip once more (tomorrow/today)....it's something I've done religiously for four years by every means possible. JetBlue, road trips with suitemates, by myself, with Dan, with my mom....how many thousands of miles going back and forth, connecting my home life with my new collegiate life. Now it's over. I guess I never had this moment at graduation, since I knew I'd still be taking classes. I know I have to take two classes online in the fall, but I'm having that moment of "holy crap it's all over" and I'm genuinely upset about this. The shlep back and forth was just as big of a part of my college experience as drinking and PJs and shows and classes. 

I just can't believe four years have flown by so quickly. I always felt (even then) that high school was such a long time, with the exception of my senior year. I feel like college was the exact opposite. It feels like it was only yesterday that I left home, squeezed in the back of the Expidition with all my belongings. Der brought out Jeri on her leash and I was trying so hard not to bawl my eyes out more than I already had when I waved goodbye to my home, my puppy, my sisters, my Babci, my life as I knew it. It was a gorgeous sunny day, warm but not too humid or hot. I was wearing my favorite broken in pair of Old Navy light wash jeans, a white Billabong shirt and flip flops. We got to Buffalo and I was cranky because I was hungry and scared so Mom and I drove around, lost as all hell, until we found Tom's on the corner of Bailey and Sheridan. I got french fries but couldn't eat them. Momma was tired too, but I think she knew how scared I was because she didn't snap at me like I was expecting; I knew she was holding it back. I had forgotten to pack something to wear and didn't feel like tearing the car apart the next day, so I rewore my clothes. I checked into the nerd and promptly got lost, wandering around in circles until I finally figured out that the layout of the building was set around circles. I found my suite, got set up...I was the first there so I chose my side of the bed, swapped out the mattress for the better one and made my new home. We watched Finding Nemo that night, all of us in the suite who were terrified. It was an awkward silence, since we didnt know each other. We were from all over the state...Rochester, Corning, Albany, Westchester, Bumblefuck Southern Tier and me, the token Long Island girl. That night was the only quiet night in that hallway for the next year. 

I drank and grew and became someone new that year. It was honestly the best year of my life. I left the nerd sad, knowing something great had come to a close, unfortunatley in a somewhat negative way. I RA-ed, an experience I wish I could do over so I could do it right, not trying to balance out stage managing and RA-ing and massive depression. I had a wonderful boyfriend who showed me that I was worthy of love. We finally got off of campus, moved into our little apartment on Lemon Tree Court. We settled into a new life together. Junior year came and went. I got sick, went home, we broke up. My mom and I went out to see family in the Mid-West last Fourth of July and it was there, sitting in a hotel in Sturgis, SD that faced I-90 that I called him and told him (quote) that "I fucking love you". We got back together, our relationship so much stronger for the shit that we put ourselves through. I started school last fall, feeling excited and scared for the inevitable moment of graduation. I found out that January that I was going to need another semester and would have to stay for another fall. It crushed me. Dan realized that I could graduate; I poured over my DARS report and he was right. I ran into my advisor's office in the beginning of April and we figured out that I could, in fact, graduate over the summer. I walked at graduation. 

Now I'm here, almost three months after that obscenely early day (btw, getting up at 7 when I went to bed at 4 = not awesome. I think I used a good half of my undereye concealer and that's not counting what my sisters used.) My belongings are boxed and bagged, awating a UHaul truck to bring them to the Island, taking that Buffalo drive of 290-90-690-81-380-80-GWB-Cross Bronx-Throgs Neck-Cross Island-Southern State one last time. I'll leave here forever. Sure, I'll probably return to Buffalo a few times in my life, because I'll miss Mighty Taco and Dan's parents live in Rochester and Daniel must see his Bills play. But my life in Buffalo is over. People may shit on Buffalo for alot ot things (the weather, the shit state of the economy up here.....seriously, the weather) but this town gave me so much. I left home a child and am returning as something that resmbles a woman, an adult. I could never repay Buffalo and UB and PJs and those lovely people I grew to love and miss terribly for that. 

I carry the best year in my heart. Someone made a reference to "Dear Penis" the other day and I laughed and tried not to cry at the same time. Even now, iTunes is playing for me "Fuck Her Gently", a song that was sang waaaaaaay too much those days. I cant watch the OC without thinking of our weekly ritual of eating dinner in our PJs, showering, getting ready and pregaming to the latest antics of a bunch of fictional rich kids. I can't think of Gelato without thinking of my last show, the headaches and revelations that came from that show. I look at my pictures of my trip to Florida in between the semesters Junior year. I look at graduation pictures to remind myself of the whole thing....that I'll step foot on campus for the last time in two weeks. 

I'm gonna miss this place.
 I had this whole long post, telling my former little sister off. But I guess I can sum it up as such:

-Look up what class, humility, maturity and (especially) integrity mean. Then apply it to your life.

-You're right, I am transparent. You know exactly what I feel, when I feel it. I don't hide shit from anyone anymore. Maybe it's my maturity, maybe it's me growing up, maybe it's me become a little bit of an adult. But I've come to realize that life's too short for bullshit games, especially the ones of your variety. Oh, and in case you haven't noticed, I really have no problem calling you out on your bullshit anymore. Get used to it.

-It's also good to know that I'm a fat, ugly cunt. Let's deconstruct this statement. Yes, I have a cunt, last time I checked. I may not be supermodel gorgeous, but I'm not ugly, that much I know. And I might be chubby (my love of junk food > desire to work out) but fat I am not. While I'm on the subject, I know that I have way more internal beauty than you could ever dream of having or delude yourself into thinking you have. 

-Don't you dare insult the people in my home. For the longest time, they have bent over backwards to keep you happy (which is a good part of the problem), especially Mom, whom you have absolutely no respect for. (You should really look up that word too.) Oh, and did you forget about Babci, who also lives in my home? Way to insult your grandmother. 

-I really don't know where you get off speaking for everyone in that home; if they have a problem with me, they know my phone number so they can call me and tell me themselves. We're all adults here so we can handle things like adults.

-Oh and the subject of me being manipulative. I really shouldn't dignify this bullshit claim with a response, but being manipulative is one thing I am not. Not for one second in my 21 and a half years on this Earth (that's 678,473,909 seconds, in case you were wondering) have I ever, ever thought of manipulating anyone for anything. It's called integrity, something I wish to God you'd get. 

-The world does not revolve around you. It never has and never will. So please, stop acting like it does. 

-This is the straw that broke the camel's back. I no longer want you to be a part of my life, which absolutely kills me to say (but I'm shit sure that you could careless). I want you to be involved, I want you at my wedding, standing with my three sisters, I want us to be friends again like we were before I left for school four years ago. (And btw, get over it. I left. I don't know why you still hate me for it. I did what I needed to do and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I never abandoned you, ever. I had pictures all over the place and wished that you were up here with me, having a good time with me. If it were the other way around, I'd be upset too, but I like to think I'd temper that negativity with knowing that you would be having a good time and learning and growing.)

-If and when you ever grow up and realize you need to work with a professional to modify your destrictive behavior, please, let me know. I'll still be the first person to support you, because I'm still your older sister, even if I no longer want you in my life. You'll probably take advantage of that, like you always have, but just in case you're actually sincere, I'll be there. That's how family works. Learn that lesson too. (As in, it's good for more than taking advantage of everyone. You actually support your family, regardless. You have their backs without any desire of being compensated because your reward is knowing that they have your back, anytime. You give them your shoulder in bad times and laugh with them in good times. You are friends and love and laugh and have corny ass inside jokes with one another. Especially our family.)

-Oh, and feel free to spew whatever shit you want to. The people whom I want in my life know the truth and you just look like the ass that you always look like. 

-Once again, I hope you can find peace in your life and that one day we can resume our relationship. I hope you see the error in your ways. I hope nothing bad happens to you because of the way you choose to lead your life. But I hope you know enough to not coming running to me if anything bad does happen without doing a complete 180 in your behavior.

this is exactly what is wrong with this world

what happened to the days when little kids could be little kids. my mom would of kicked my ass if i dared to even think about wearing that much makeup. and god forbid i ever said that i didn't need my intelligence, that i could get by on my looks....she would have kick my ass so hard i still be feeling it for another 10 years. 

christ, what the fuck is wrong with people? i'd love to beat the crap out of this mother.

my life in a nutshell

-i'm engaged again.
-wedding sometime 6/26/10....but that's seriously up for discussion
-i want to get married at the foundry in long island city but there's no way in hell i'm gonna be able to afford it
-we're officially (and finally) getting out of buffalo sometime in the vicinity of august 8th
-i'm a little sad (because i've had the time of my life up here and will miss it greatly....and i'll miss mighty taco like you'll never know) but it's about time. i miss my island, my puppy, my fam, my friends and the beach at night. and bagels and pizza that don't taste like shit.
-lo and behold, i can't graduate in september because i didn't have the money to pay new paltz for the class i needed to graduate. so i have to find an upper level theatre class somewhere at home/online that i can afford/works with my schedule.
-i need to start packing
-and start studying for the lsat/gre
-and find a job at home
-i have a job (finally!) at this place literally across the street from me. by the end of the summer, i'll probably have spoken to every receptionist in western new york.
-my nephew is flippin huge. he's not allowed to grow anymore.
-overall, my life's pretty good.
I can't begin to tell you how fucking furious I am right now. I've hit that point.....normally, nothing really gets me too riled up, but once I reach that (high) boiling point, all hell breaks loose. This is beyond all hell. I don't understand how you're "entitled" to anything more than a smack to hopefully give you some sense, because you clearly lost all of it. Not to mention gratitude, respect for your family, humility, a sense of what's right (and wrong) and your fucking mind. I've tried to defend you, think that maybe you were turning around and starting to act like the adult you claim to be. Instead, you're just as money hungry and narcissistic as I've tried to pretend you weren't.

You need help, therapy....something. You need to remember that once all your precious friends are gone and you get fat and old, all you have left is your family. But here's the kicker, you probably won't have us. I never wanted to have the family member that no one talked to for twenty years; I always thought that you were better than that and that blood was thicker than water and you'd get over yourself and we'd be fine. Clearly not.

If you even try to go through with this (and oh, btw, no lawyer who's worth the paper their bar card's printed on is going to take this because you have no fucking ground to stand on), I will have no problem cutting you out of my life. I do not tolerate other people disrespecting my family, but I especially refuse to tolerate or condone my family disrespecting one another internally. And you've sunk so low (lower than that scum bag responsible for half of our DNA, you know, the one you've come to romanticize as "Daddy"....yeah, you should thank your lucky fucking stars that you can't remember what I do, because it's fucked up, to put it bluntly. Even now, as fucking furious as I am with you, I'm eternally grateful that you and Der can't remember it, that I'm the last one who can. See that, that's family protecting one another, that's a sister looking out for the others, THAT'S WHAT FAMILY DOES) that you're pretty much tied for lowest, with your beloved "Daddy".

Why don't you go ask him for your "child support"? You're going to be 20 years old next week....you left home at 19. You don't get anything. I didn't get anything and I have pride in knowing that I put myself though school, that the $45,000 I have in student loans paid for my degree, that I work my ass off in meaningless jobs to pay for my rent and food and bills. I didn't threaten my own mother with a lawsuit to get money....Here's a news flash, she cut you off because you're being the nastiest cunt that I've ever seen. If we weren't related, I would have cut you out of my life two years ago without thinking twice. But no, you're my little sister, so I tried to find the good in you. Tried to believe that you would grow out of this shit and starting acting your age and not your shoe size.

It kills me to have to think that I'm really going to have to cut you out of my life. Because regardless, you'll always be my little sister. I'll always have a responsibility to you to be there when you need me, protect you as best I can. But I can't protect you from your own bullshit. I can't stop you from fucking your shit up beyond repair, burning bridges that I don't think you'll ever be able to completely rebuild. I can't deal with your shit anymore. This is beyond drama, this is as fucked up shit as I've ever seen you pull. I'm not so sure how you look in the mirror every morning and feel good about what you've done and are doing now. Because I'm embarrassed and ashamed for you. Does it get you alot of attention with your friends? Make you feel "cool" because you don't get along with your family? Make them feel bad for you because you have such a bad life, because we both know that you spin shit left right and center. I really hope it's worth it. I hope you get yourself therapy, because you really, really need it. I hope you eventually find peace in your life, because I don't want to be a part of it until you do.
i know i'll delete this in a few hours when i'm over being kinebriated

but i wonder if you're doing okay and myspace stalking isn't answering the question.

for once, a happy post

so, as pretty much everyone knows, i am going to graduate. basically, my advisor was wrong (or idk, maybe i didn't hear her) and i don't need to stay for another semester, just summer classes. if things hadn't gotten so messed up in january, i would have only needed two summer classes, but because of it, i need four, which does kinda suck. so i'm taking math and roots of english (my wavier class bc i dropped italian bc i was failing it) at ub in first session (holy crap that's alot in six weeks) and taking two theatre classes online, one from new paltz and one from oswego. i'm really not sure how i'm paying for all of this, but it's all good, because i get to walk in graduation (even if my name wont be in the program) and move on with my life.

i was okay with not going to graduation, but now that i am, i might be a little too excited about it. i mean, graduation is like the period at the end of a sentence-sure, you can not have one, but everyone does it and it's not right. it's all kosh now, so i just need to find a dress i can afford (because this is the most important thing, clearly) and find someplace for 8 of us to go for dinner afterwords (me, dan, mommy, babci, court, der and dan's parents and maybe my grandma penny, but tbh, i dont think she's gonna drive 2000 miles out here when she can just watch it online)

im losing out on my minor (and my open bar date with my life partner) but it's good. i'm happy. can't understand where time's gone, but im happy. i didn't get my job back at payless (lo and behold, the person i was to replace isn't quitting after all) but its okay, i really didnt want it back in the first place. i am going to work at the bookstore for a little while, since my fabulous sandy (one of the ladies i worked with at payless) is working there now and got me a job! it's only temporary, but it's something. idk, i'll figure it all out.