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epilepsy bitch bitch bitch moan moan moan

I have insomnia again. It's really not making the seizure monster happy. I haven't seized since the beginning of the month (my first since late last summer, but it pissed me off something fierce) but it's all the pre-seizure, feeling the medicine working obnoxiousness. I guess the exahustion (but not at night), cognitive difficulties (like thinking so slow its made me want to cry, failing Italian and forgetting how to write/spell) and completely blanking out on words in the middle of a sentence is kinda worth it. Kinda. I wish that I could just stop taking it and get my mind back to where it was because I feel flat out stupid. Ive never been the prettiest or the most talented or popular, but I've always had my intelligence. At least I used to. My new neurologist is switching my meds to Lamictal, which might help my brain return back to normal, to a degree. All anti-convulsants have stupidity as a side effect (they slow down the brain enough to prevent seizures, so it's kinda inevitable) Idk, I hate switching meds (because it always sucks for a few weeks while the body gets used to it and there's always the risk for my body rejecting it all together) but if it helps, it's worth it.

I did lose my job because of it. All four managers that have/do work at Aeire knew about my seizures. I told them so that if something happened, especially if i had a generalized (aka the roll on the floor, unconscious kind that everyone thinks of first), they wouldn't freak out and call an ambulance (because i would RMA that shit so fast, RMA = sign a form and not go to the hospital). Everyone was okay with it, for the most part. I tell the new manager and she was so fucking rude, I almost hit her. I tell her "It's not really a big deal, nothing for you to worry about. I just want to let you know just in case anything happens." She didn't even have the common courtesy to look me in the eye during this conversation, btw. She then turns to me and goes "Well, it IS a big deal." Um, no, its not. I'm generally well controlled. It's a part of my life, but it's not my whole life. Shit happens. Get over it. I then went home for spring break, two weeks ago. I haven't worked since.....oh, because i didn't call to get my hours until Tuesday, so i wasn't schedualed. Such bullshit. They're gonna say that I get to work late (oh idk, because I live 10 miles away and have to take the main highway to get there, especially during rush hour) and that's why I'm being let go. Bull-fucking-shit. There are girls who are later than I am and come to work and stand there with their thumbs up their asses and still have hours. I might be late, but when I work, I work a hell of a lot harder than the pittance you pay me. I was thinking about quitting anyway (because I couldn't take the immaturity and the store's probably gonna close by the fall) but this really inflames me. Idk, maybe this did happen when I was younger and my mom tried to shelter me from it because this is the first time in my life I've ever had to deal with something like this.

I didn't want to be the asshole who just decides to not show up (and screw other employees over in the process, which I do feel bad about) but I was (and still am) so infurated by the blatant discrimination (oh, and violation of the Americans with Diabilites Act, amongst other state and federal laws and company policy). I work hard. I put up with alot of bullshit. I wasted a shitload of gas. I covered when it was needed, bent over backwards, missed Thanksgiving with my family. I worked through alot of pre-seizure and simple partial seizures because I knew there was no one to cover for me and didn't want to screw anyone else over. And to be all but fired after the new manager's first day (aka my last) because my brain gets a little too excited. I guess it's a life lesson that I was due to learn eventually, but it's still fucking ridiculous. And there's nothing I can do about it. Sure, I can watch where I spend my money (and trust me, it's gonna be a long time, if ever, before I give American Eagle one dollar of my money) but how is that really going to affect them? It just leaves me frustrated, embarassed, angry and annoyed.

Everything does have a way of working out bc the day I decided to be a no call/no show, I got a text message from someone I used to work with at Payless, who told me that they need people ASAP, so I spoke with my old manager (who, btw, is absolutely wonderful when it comes to my seizures) and basically have my old job back. It's good, because I can jump right in, but I also left there for a reason. But I need money, so I have to do what I have to do. It just fucking sucks.

Maybe now I'll think twice before I disclose my personal information with a future employer. An ambulance wouldn't have been nearly as bad as this shit. The irony is, by disclosing my condition, I was trying to save myself from future embarassment. Knowing how gossipy it was, I can only imagine how the things that I said in confidence to my managers is prob gonna be spread around. I know it was weird when I'd be talking to someone in the midst of a simple partial and couldnt finish a sentence or had weird mannerisms. I was more embarassed than you can imagine. But I got through it and lived and worked hard, even while loaded up on Ativan to knock out any future seizures. It's just a shame that my contributions were overlooked because the new manager (aka the DM's pet, girl who spends waaaaaaaaaaaay too much time in a tanning booth bc she has leather skin, still missing h.s. because she was like, omg, the popular one even though she's probably 25) couldn't get the fuck over it. She didnt know me or the quality of my work. I guess that's their loss.

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