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epilepsy bitch bitch bitch moan moan moan

I have insomnia again. It's really not making the seizure monster happy. I haven't seized since the beginning of the month (my first since late last summer, but it pissed me off something fierce) but it's all the pre-seizure, feeling the medicine working obnoxiousness. I guess the exahustion (but not at night), cognitive difficulties (like thinking so slow its made me want to cry, failing Italian and forgetting how to write/spell) and completely blanking out on words in the middle of a sentence is kinda worth it. Kinda. I wish that I could just stop taking it and get my mind back to where it was because I feel flat out stupid. Ive never been the prettiest or the most talented or popular, but I've always had my intelligence. At least I used to. My new neurologist is switching my meds to Lamictal, which might help my brain return back to normal, to a degree. All anti-convulsants have stupidity as a side effect (they slow down the brain enough to prevent seizures, so it's kinda inevitable) Idk, I hate switching meds (because it always sucks for a few weeks while the body gets used to it and there's always the risk for my body rejecting it all together) but if it helps, it's worth it.

I did lose my job because of it. All four managers that have/do work at Aeire knew about my seizures. I told them so that if something happened, especially if i had a generalized (aka the roll on the floor, unconscious kind that everyone thinks of first), they wouldn't freak out and call an ambulance (because i would RMA that shit so fast, RMA = sign a form and not go to the hospital). Everyone was okay with it, for the most part. I tell the new manager and she was so fucking rude, I almost hit her. I tell her "It's not really a big deal, nothing for you to worry about. I just want to let you know just in case anything happens." She didn't even have the common courtesy to look me in the eye during this conversation, btw. She then turns to me and goes "Well, it IS a big deal." Um, no, its not. I'm generally well controlled. It's a part of my life, but it's not my whole life. Shit happens. Get over it. I then went home for spring break, two weeks ago. I haven't worked since.....oh, because i didn't call to get my hours until Tuesday, so i wasn't schedualed. Such bullshit. They're gonna say that I get to work late (oh idk, because I live 10 miles away and have to take the main highway to get there, especially during rush hour) and that's why I'm being let go. Bull-fucking-shit. There are girls who are later than I am and come to work and stand there with their thumbs up their asses and still have hours. I might be late, but when I work, I work a hell of a lot harder than the pittance you pay me. I was thinking about quitting anyway (because I couldn't take the immaturity and the store's probably gonna close by the fall) but this really inflames me. Idk, maybe this did happen when I was younger and my mom tried to shelter me from it because this is the first time in my life I've ever had to deal with something like this.

I didn't want to be the asshole who just decides to not show up (and screw other employees over in the process, which I do feel bad about) but I was (and still am) so infurated by the blatant discrimination (oh, and violation of the Americans with Diabilites Act, amongst other state and federal laws and company policy). I work hard. I put up with alot of bullshit. I wasted a shitload of gas. I covered when it was needed, bent over backwards, missed Thanksgiving with my family. I worked through alot of pre-seizure and simple partial seizures because I knew there was no one to cover for me and didn't want to screw anyone else over. And to be all but fired after the new manager's first day (aka my last) because my brain gets a little too excited. I guess it's a life lesson that I was due to learn eventually, but it's still fucking ridiculous. And there's nothing I can do about it. Sure, I can watch where I spend my money (and trust me, it's gonna be a long time, if ever, before I give American Eagle one dollar of my money) but how is that really going to affect them? It just leaves me frustrated, embarassed, angry and annoyed.

Everything does have a way of working out bc the day I decided to be a no call/no show, I got a text message from someone I used to work with at Payless, who told me that they need people ASAP, so I spoke with my old manager (who, btw, is absolutely wonderful when it comes to my seizures) and basically have my old job back. It's good, because I can jump right in, but I also left there for a reason. But I need money, so I have to do what I have to do. It just fucking sucks.

Maybe now I'll think twice before I disclose my personal information with a future employer. An ambulance wouldn't have been nearly as bad as this shit. The irony is, by disclosing my condition, I was trying to save myself from future embarassment. Knowing how gossipy it was, I can only imagine how the things that I said in confidence to my managers is prob gonna be spread around. I know it was weird when I'd be talking to someone in the midst of a simple partial and couldnt finish a sentence or had weird mannerisms. I was more embarassed than you can imagine. But I got through it and lived and worked hard, even while loaded up on Ativan to knock out any future seizures. It's just a shame that my contributions were overlooked because the new manager (aka the DM's pet, girl who spends waaaaaaaaaaaay too much time in a tanning booth bc she has leather skin, still missing h.s. because she was like, omg, the popular one even though she's probably 25) couldn't get the fuck over it. She didnt know me or the quality of my work. I guess that's their loss.

i think i need some retail therapy.

fuck you ub and the theatre department. because now i can't graduate in the spring.

hopefully i can finish up over the summer (and you know my mom is making me walk in may, regardless) but still, this is fucking bullshit.

while i'm at it, fuck you last spring and my fucking epilepsy that made me lose all 15 credits i was taking which is royally fucking me over now.

i can't believe it's almost 2008

before i get into this survey stolen from alyson, can i just stop for a minute because holy crap, how is it 2008? seriously, this year went by so unbelivably fast and i'm not at all cool with it.


1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
haha nothing. really. (okay, break up with my long term boyfriend and then get back together? but that's kinda crappy, so we won't talk about it)

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i always make the same ones. and i stop caring jan. 3rd.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
not this year.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
am-BUH the cat. she counts.

5. What countries did you visit?
cananda?

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007
money. seriously. a real job, not just crappy retail to pay the bills. my diploma. my life back on long island.

7. What date(s) from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
the months of march and april (well, what i can remember of them), because it fucking sucked balls. seriously. going out west with mommy in july.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
getting healthy again. somehow becoming more grown up (even though i don't quite know when that happened)

9. What was your biggest failure?
being shitty with money. idk, this year was a wash for so long.

10. Did you suffer any illness or injury?
haha. you're kidding, right? i started seizing again march 7th and didn't really stop until the end of may. went to the er twice, admitted to LIJ once and almost one more time. thankfully, i'm under control (even on those days when im shitty about my medicine.)

11. What was the best thing you bought?
it was bought for me, but my iphone is pretty fucking sweet. i did get a new-ish car, but idk, it's being a pain in the ass. (seriously, not having heat does not work in buffalo)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
pretty much everyone in my life for being so amazingly supportive when i was sick. it really, really touched me in ways i'll never share because it's amazing to know you have such good people to support you when you need it the most. god forbid anything were to ever happen to anyone, you know i've got you're back (even if we haven't spoken in forever) because i know how much it's truly needed and appreciated.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
the douchebag who hit my sister's car two weeks ago. honestly, it's more like "if i ever find out who you are, i'm seriously going to fucking kick your ass" instead of "appalled and depressed". one of my siblings, for being unbelievably self-centered, immature and greedy. i was hoping that things were starting to get better, but apparently, i was wrong.

14. Where did most of your money go?
rent. clothes/shoes from work (omg especially now)

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
getting better, being able to drive again, going back to school (the little things that i normally bitch about)

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
that sean kingston song from the summer....i seriously loved that song over the summer

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
I. happier or sadder? happier, much happier
ii. Thinner or fatter? prob a little heavier, i've been awful about going to the gym
iii. Richer or poorer? prob about the same aka dirt ass poor


18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
actually using my gym membership, going out

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
eating, shopping

20. How did you spend Christmas?
at the house. court and i were up redonk late wrapping presents, got up two hours later to go to my sister's house for christmas morning, back to bed for a while, ate christmas dinner. we were going to go out after, but we were all too tired.

22. Did you fall in love in 2007?
back in love, yes.

23. How many one-night stands?
haha none.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
trashy reality. obvi, american idol (omg so soon!). grey's/ugly betty.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
i really don't like to use hate because it's the strongest word. but there are def some people in my life that i'm really not that fond of anymore.

26. What was the best book you read?
idk.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
idk if i had any. all the pop-rap my sister makes me listen to haha.

28. What did you want and get?
my health and life back. everyone bitches about having to go to work or school or pay for gas or whatever, but let me tell you, it fucking blows to have it all ripped away from you because your brain can't handle playing nicely. i couldn't go to school or work or even drive myself anywhere; i was completely dependant on everyone around me and that's fucking awful. balls, i couldn't take a long shower without people (appropriatley) wondering if i was okay. so to be able to go to work again, drive where ever i want, go to class, be by myself for a while....it's seriously something i try not to take for granted, because i know it could be gone again without any notice. i know that sounds dramatic, but it also reminds me to be good about my health, to take my medicine and sleep well and eat as decently as possible.

29. What did you want and not get?
a brand new car?

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
even though i still haven't seen it, alvin and the chipmunks.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i had the crappiest 21st birthday ever. seriously, i always imagined this amazing, bar hopping drunk fest.....and in actuality, i wrote papers. lame.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
not getting sick.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
jan-early march: hoodies/scarfs/holy shit it's cold
march-early may: pjs, no bra, scrubby to the max
may-now: whatever the fuck i want to wear, prob comes from aerie/american eagle, comfy.

34. What kept you sane?
my fam (only someitmes), my friends, the jeri dog.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
idk, i love celebrity gossip, but i wasn't crazy about anyone in particular. (even though i kinda have this little crush on tom brady)

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
which one didn't? i think this country is on a shit-ass path and something seriously needs to be done about it.

37. Who did you miss?
ambuh. everyone i didn't get to see.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
idk everyone's pretty awesome.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
everything works out in the end and nothing's insurmountable. things will get better and life will return to normal. and if it dosen't kill you, it only makes you stronger.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
what kind of fuckery is this?
i'm going to be home in less than a week (late sunday night for anyone that cares) and i'm estatic. i have to be honest about the homesickness that's been plaguing me up my ass all semester; it's kinda ridic that i was homesick for (literally) three hours freshman year but i feel it everyday now. we're 80-95% sure (depending on the day) that we're moving back home after graduation, prob living with my mom. honestly, that's not my idea of fun (for as much as i love my fam, idk, i thought i'd never live at home again) but if it's a choice between going home (literally) and having to move somewhere else to have our own place, then whatevs. getting a big enough apt with the (lack of) money we'll have isn't gonna work; we might be able to swing a studio but idk, that's not enough room for both of us.

idk, i always thought i'd be the person to move to the otherside of the country; seriously, not six months ago i was all set to go to portland (oregon, not maine) but i can't do it anymore. spending all that time at home this summer really reminded me how much i need to be with my fam and friends; i'm not ready to give that all up yet. idk, we have a little more time to figure this all out, but not that much since we're both (especially me) are gonna have to apply for jobs and such soon. i'd really rather live on my own or share an apt with people, but if we have to move in with the fam, whatevs.

(btw, i am especially thankful for having such an amazing boyfriend who understands my redonk need for the long island and is willing to move here. bc honestly, what other reason do you have to move to the li? unless you like traffic and crazy expensive life, i cant think of any reason to come here haha)

anwyays, the semester is gloriously finished, which seriously thrills and terrfies me at the same time. the thought of graduating in not that many (academic) weeks is kinda crazy. the new job is okay....lots of free clothes and discounts galore, but i was basically lied to at my interview. i told them i needed 25-30 hrs a week (so, you know, i can pay my rent) but no one ever told me that it's company policy to keep all partimers at 20 hrs (and to not really promote from within/move part timers to full time) which i find kinda dick. it's a good working enviornment, so i think i'm going to try to find a second job after the new year so i can pay my bills and maybe (just maybe) actually save money.

and btw, jamie lynn spears (aka britney spears' 16 y.o. little sister) pregnant? wtf? i though my fam had no class, but seriously, my mom = 0/5 fucked up babies. mama spears=2/2.
last night, around 4am, my sister courtney was driving with one of her friends on the wantagh when they were hit by an (assumedly) drunk driver. court had (emphasis on had) a jeep wrangler, which is not known for its saftey. she flipped the car, so it's totaled. the fine citizen who hit my sister then sped off and for all he knew, she could have very well been dead. thankfully, a person saw the accident, pulled over, call 911 and stayed with my sister until the ambulance arrived. she has a concussion, broken ribs, burst aveoli, many nasty bumps and brusies and a dislocated ankle, so she is quite morphine-d up at NUMC. her friend has a concussion and bumps and brusies and is also a guest of the medical center. Court's probably going to be there for a few days, danielle should go home tomorrow.

so, if anyone knows anything about a driver (probably drunk) getting into an accident on the wantagh last night, please let the police know. i dont think anyone does, but it can't hurt to put it out there since we have no way of knowing who did this, except that it was a male and probably a teenager (but because of the concussions, neither one of them are too sure.) this asshole sped off into the night instead of being an adult and facing the consequence of driving like an asshole/being a human being and making sure everyone was okay. thankfully, court will be okay, she's banged up but it could have been so much worse. she was wearing her seat belt, which absolutely saved her life. she'll be home in a few days, where she'll prob be just as dramatic as usual (j/k court you know i love you, eh)
it's 4:07 am.

i am still up doing school work. i will spend tomorrow (before/after work), sunday (aka my 21st birthday) and monday (aka the day its all due/the day im going out to celebrate said birthday) finishing these two fucking papers.

i really hate school right now and can not wait to graduate.

(but if anyone wants to do a paper for me, i will love you until the end of time. seriously.)

OH! and more importantly, i will be on the gloriously long island that is, well, long island, december 23-28th and again sometime during the first two weeks of january. i need to see people, as i miss you all terribly.
wow, i guess all those seizures completely wiped my brain clean of any idea on how to write a paper.

seriously, a four page paper should not be taking this long...because it was due on friday (aka the first time in my life that i have ever handed a paper/project in late)
dear ub,

for the $700 a semester i pay in technology fees, your wireless should not suck so badly that i can't get to the databases i need to write this stupid fucking paper.

no love,
me

p.s. when will i ever learn that procrastination (and not reading the assignment correctly) only results in me staying in the library till all hours of the night and staying up until all hours of the morning (knowing that i'm not allowed to pull all-nighters anymore)


p.s.2-why must my professors assign a butt load of work in the same week? (thankfully i dropped two classes early in the semester, otherwise i would of had two tests to add to this massive paper and scenic project)

p.s.3-why must my women's studies professor be so incompetent? i was so looking forward to this class (on women in prison), but yet, i would have been better off buying the textbook and reading it myself, since her idea of teaching is making us read out of the textbook for three hours like we're in elementary school. she literally doesn't teach us anything else and didn't bother to tell us what was on the test on monday. i can not wait for the course reviews at the end of the semester (and to get my grade, so i can go bitch out the chair of the department for this shit)
We all know what today is. Personally, I hate today. However, I am shocked because it seems as if the rest of the country is failing to pause and notice. Go back and watch the video and remind yourself. I know everyone from our area probably doesn't need to; most of us are intimatley connected to today in ways we wish we weren't. For some reason, I'm torturing myself and watching MSNBC's actual coverage from 9/11 and all I'm doing is reliving everything from six years ago; I wouldn't wish the overwhelming fear for my parents and sister on my worse enemy.

I only hope that as time progresses the world can find a way to work together and prevent this, that this country can undo our great mistake in Iraq so that we, as a global community, never have to live through this again. I know it's a pipe dream, but it would be nice. I hope one day my nephew will be able to live in a world where terrorism isn't his primary worry, where maybe he can forget about it and leave that to the government (even though that didn't work too well last time.) I also pray (harder than I ever,ever have) that the health of all those who served at Ground Zero, from the Paramedic/EMT to the Iron Worker, will be good, that I won't have to bury my mom early due to all the crap she was inhaling for weeks upon months.

Tomorrow will a better day.

Sep. 9th, 2007

omg i got an iphone.
its flippin awesome.